Death.
The one thing none of us escape. Although, honestly...unless you've been dead and know what it's like...how do you know if you'd want to? Maybe its fricken amazing over there. The universe and beyond... it's infinite. What's beyond that..and beyond that...and beyond that (kind of reminds me of the song that never ends....)
It's not something we purposely think about... Typically we avoid the thought at all costs. And yet ...it's 100% inevitable for us all. Strange that we avoid eye contact with our own mortality whenever the topic arises.
And I know this is an odd topic or people will say..."you're only 43...why are you writing this?" Quite simply: I do not have a crystal ball.....I could get hit by a bus tomorrow or live to 100. Who knows, but why chance somebody else being hit with a whammy and having to scramble to figure it out. So I'm simplifying it!
We probably all have a basic idea of what we'd want on some deep hidden level. Lately, I've been watching 'Ask A Mortician' on YouTube. It's basically a 'green' mortician who does a lot of Q & A. She popped up in my feed one day (yeah...I'm rather attracted to the strange and unusual). Anyway, she got me thinking about the future and the only possible ending to a lifetime of memories...my death. I mean come on! It's a given...so why not plan for it???
On some level, I've always been aware of it. Not obsessively, but it's been in the back of my mind. I'm a mom. I think most moms worry about the 'WHAT IF'S' of life. What happens to the kids? What happens to their future? What will it cost them in the end?
It's hard enough losing someone that you love. There's a void there that can't be replaced. And to add cost...well, that's adding insult to injury. With my curiosity peaked due to this fascinating YouTuber, I did the research. And funeral homes make BANK by preying on family members.
ie: "If you loved them...you'll buy the fancy one"
Shit...gimme a break!
And I researched the laws...no...embalming is NOT required by law! But it turns out, funeral homes like to imply that it is. Typically saying "well....you want them to smell fresh for the viewing right?" Or "well...you have to do it".....ummmm....NO...you do NOT! They even insist on it before CREMATION! REALLY!?!?! Dude...wtf...
Somebody, PLEASE explain to me why a person would need a leak-proof, fancy as hell casket...that sits 6 feet under...never to be seen again...covered in dirt? And embalming? Why? Why all that poison? You know the whole POINT of death is decay...to go back to the earth. To break down and become an energy giving biological matter or in the case of cremation... non-organic, but much easier to put wherever you'd like ....basically dust. Why pollute the soil on the way out? Why do we try so hard to stop time and keep a body frozen in time...again...never to be seen again after the burial...who decided that this was the way??? Actually....the USA is one of the very few countries that actually do all that weird stuff. I get creeped out thinking about the whole idea of my corpse frozen in time...painted up like some odd creepy clown...by a death painting makeup artist...ugh...shutter...I just got chills...
oh...I'll answer that embalming question...I mean the one I asked myself...then I got off topic again...yeah I do that. So embalming actually began during the civil war.
HERE'S A FUN FACT LINK! Civil War Embalming
It was brought about by a French chemist who was asked to find a way to bring home dead soldiers, without them decaying. The trip was often long and hard, via railroad. And of course, this still makes sense today in instances where a body is being transported a long distance to get back home.
And here's another FUN FACT LINK!
And here's some more fun facts: (so many fun facts...the excitement...ahhh...bliss).
"Every year, 22,500 cemeteries across the United States bury approximately:
- 14,000 tons of steel vaults.
- 90,272 tons of steel caskets.
- 2,700 tons of copper and bronze caskets.
- 1,636,000 tons of reinforced concrete vaults.
- 30 million board feet (70,000 m3) of hardwood caskets.
- 827,060 US gallons (3,130 m3) of embalming fluid, which usually includes formaldehyde."
- Here's the link to the full article: https://www.disabled-world.com/health/cemetery.php
( psst...hey....when there's flooding...where EXACTLY do you think that chemical runoff goes? yeah...here...have a lovely carrot...that I grew...in my field...downhill...from a cemetery...mmmm...yummy....)
"Toxic chemicals from coffins that may be released into groundwater include varnishes, sealers and preservatives and metal handles and ornaments used on wooden coffins. The burial of coffins can pose an environmental and health hazard since the metals that are used in coffin-making can corrode or degrade into harmful toxins. These can leach into the surrounding soils and groundwater. Casket manufacturers are listed on the EPA's top 50 hazardous waste generators list due to chemicals such as methyl and xylene used in the protective finish sprayed on the caskets exterior (a casket that will be buried or burned)." Also found at https://www.disabled-world.com/health/cemetery.php
So in cases where you're close to home...or even at home at the time of death...why bother?
Here's the thing, when I'm dead...I'm dead...I genuinely will not care...you want to know why? Cuz I'll be DEAD!
But what I do know is that even the dead me, would flip my shit if I thought for a second my grieving family was being ripped a new one by some money hungry funeral home.
So I'm gonna put things into perspective.
No....you do not need a fancy casket for a cremation. That's total bullshit.
There's literally a basic cardboard box that one can be cremated in. If you want a viewing, you can always rent a casket for the day. But since we're talking about me...to hell with that. I want a basic box. Followed by cremation, followed by a no-cost memorial or gathering at home. Yes...they will provide a small plastic urn. Make sure you use the words...DIRECT CREMATION...as well as asking what the ALL INCLUSIVE PRICE is...understand? Here's another video for you all to refer to:
My ashes then split and divided by my children. Then each portion scattered in a place with their fondest memory of their mom. A place they will be able to visit if they wish. They can even scatter them in my family cemetery...who the hell would know??? Drive up...take a walk...scatter away! They're ashes for God's sake! Or put them under a tree...who knows...the possibilities are endless! Be creative. But don't piss away money that you can use for college, or a vehicle. Money for a home or a wedding. Money for food or clothes. Don't pay for a funeral home sales rep to make his commission and add that new deck on his new home. Instead...add a deck to yours!
Do not allow a STRANGER TO PROFIT OFF MY DEATH! You guys know me...I'd seriously have a heart attack over that...oh wait...<----bahahaha
Seriously though:
No plot.
No fancy urn.
No plot for the not fancy urn.
No crazy cost that in the end shortchanges my family.
The fact is...money is for the LIVING! The dead do not require those paper bills. Money no longer holds such power over the dead. In truth...death means your free of money. So Why-TF would I want you to piss it all away on a single day...for my corpse???? I mean...you know I wouldn't actually be in there anymore.
Of course, this is me talking. My whole wedding was 1800$. I've never been obsessed with the green. Basically, it's a tool for life on earth...nothing more. And quite frankly it's a pain in the arse....
The fact is...my life has been amazing. I've had the BEST four kids a mother could ask for! Every moment of you in my life....made it COMPLETE. And death doesn't need to be a nightmare...at least mine better not be. I mean I've heard some seriously boring ass speeches at funerals...<----insert endless bible versus here.......omg...who the hell wants to sit through that?!?! Skip it! Sit around...have a beer or a glass of wine...tell ridiculous stories and stupid jokes. My faith is personal to me...yours is personal to you...etc... I don't need a guy praying for my salvation. It's best to get salvation prior to death...don't you think? After...is.... probably too late?!? yes...that was hilarious! Don't deny it!
So tears are fine...but throw in the good stuff, please!
Especially sarcasm...that should flat out be a requirement to enter. And black clothing attire? Gag! Wear what you want! Be casual. It shouldn't feel like the end of the world. It's the end of a life...MY life...NOT YOURS! If you kids think about it...knowing me...and how much I seriously fricken love you...would I want you to be someone else for the day???
Or would I want you to be the beautiful creatures that I love and will always love?
As in yourselves?
Because I see you as perfection.
Even when you were little people hugging a toilet with those assorted k-12 stomach bugs...in your mismatched pajamas and messy hair....runny nose and sweaty little foreheads...I found you completely and utterly...beautiful. I always will.
So wear what you always wear..typically for my girls...there's always an artistic streak in there and mismatched clothing...I love that. My boys? Sporty...so go for it. Skip the 100$ suits.
And for the love of all that's holy....will somebody please serve a damn vegetable at my wake/memorial? That artery clogging deep fried crap will have you planning your own funerals! So don't hog my spotlight...;)
And somewhere in the middle of it all...grab something as a reminder. Something of mine. You know...I thought about having boxes divided up etc...one day. But it occurred to me...people often choose an item based on a moment in time that meant the most to them. Only you know what those things are.
If I looked around my own parents home...I'd probably pick some random thing, nobody on the planet would have thought mattered. Like that crazy pineapple door knocker. For me, it's a memory of moving into our newly built but unfinished house when I was a kid. My mom, my brother and I slept on a wooden floor with literally no actual surface flooring...because mom was so excited and wanted to finish preparing the house. Her kitchen theme? Pineapples...she had all kinds...tons of little brass fixtures scattered about the counter. And that memory...it meant something....to me. That's just it...that's one of MY coveted memories. So pick yours.
At the end of the day, none of us know our exact expiration date. But I figure that's the whole point! Sometimes it just happens...and in my case...if by chance it does...you have my permission not to prove you loved me....by blowing away your life savings. I'd like to think...we're worth more than that.
As for my disclaimer: READ THE TITLE....if you want embalming etc...more power to you....this is my funeral....and I'll bitch if I want to. My reasoning is put in writing...for my family...so when the times comes...they aren't guilted into something I don't even want!
*And a shout out to YouTuber "Ask a Mortician"....for having the balls to say what some of us were thinking. I stumbled on your site, purely by chance...now I eagerly await new videos while grubbing on avocados and powering threw midnight videos on 20 cups of coffee.
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